Is Self-Care Selfish?

In last week's episode of EZ Conversations, I had a chat with Jenn Robb about parenting (Listen Here), especially when one's child is struggling with mental health issues. Jenn and I discuss how she navigated her daughter's challenges, especially at one point finding out that her daughter had drunk to the point of four times over the lethal limit, and eventually finding that her daughter had experienced sexual trauma. Jenn mentioned that all she could do was support her daughter and get her the help she needed, but her daughter was the one who needed to do the work. However, one of the things that came up in our conversation was how Jenn was taking care of herself, which gave her the capacity to support her daughter. We explored the difference between self-care and being selfish, and how parents struggle with discerning between the two. Jenn emphasized the importance of even taking 15 minutes for oneself throughout the day to reconnect.

As I reflected on the conversation, I also had a friend ask me how, in my work as a therapist, I manage not to feel overwhelmed by the challenges of others. While I am an individual who is empathetic and can hold space for others, it is essential for me to not take on too much, especially in clinical work. My response to my friend was that I have to be highly disciplined with my self-care routine, and it's non-negotiable. When I take care of myself, I show up as a better husband, father, son, and overall individual. It is also crucial for me to recognize that when I am not at my best, I am not serving in the best way possible. Therefore, self-care for me is not selfish because the return on investment towards myself impacts everyone around me.

The Science of Self-Care and Parenting

Modern research supports the idea that self-care is not selfish—it’s protective. According to Figley (2002), those in caregiving roles (including therapists and parents of children with mental health issues) are at high risk for compassion fatigue and secondary traumatic stress, which can lead to burnout if left unaddressed.

Furthermore, self-care has been found to buffer the physiological effects of chronic stress. A study by Gerber et al. (2013) demonstrated that individuals who actively practiced self-care (like exercise, sleep hygiene, or mindfulness) had lower levels of perceived stress and better emotional regulation.

Importantly, self-care in parenting is also linked to positive child outcomes. Research by Williams et al. (2016) found that parental self-compassion and emotional regulation practices significantly predicted a child's resilience and emotional intelligence. In other words, when we model balance and boundaries, our children learn to do the same.

The Line Between Self-Care and Selfishness

One of the myths we tackled in the conversation with Jenn was the notion that taking time for oneself is selfish. Especially for mothers, this internalized guilt often arises from societal expectations that prioritize martyrdom over well-being. However, the reality is that parents who continually sacrifice their own needs often become more emotionally reactive and less attuned to their children’s needs (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2019).

Instead, short, intentional self-care practices—even just 10–15 minutes a day—can serve as powerful reset buttons. Whether it’s a walk in nature, a journaling session, or a brief moment of prayer or meditation, these acts allow the nervous system to regulate and recharge, strengthening our ability to show up fully present.

Final Thoughts

Parenting through mental health adversity is a marathon, not a sprint. And no one crosses the finish line without rest, nourishment, and support. As therapists, parents, or simply as people trying to be there for others, we cannot pour from an empty cup. Taking care of ourselves is not about escape or indulgence—it’s about sustainability, service, and strength.

In the words of Jenn Robb, “If I’m not grounded, I can’t help anyone.” It’s a lesson we can all carry with us, whether we are in the storm or walking beside someone who is.

References

Figley, C. R. (2002). Compassion fatigue: Psychotherapists' chronic lack of self care. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 58(11), 1433–1441. https://doi.org/10.1002/jclp.10090

Gerber, M., et al. (2013). Do exercise and fitness buffer against stress among Swiss police and emergency response service officers? Psychology of Sport and Exercise, 14(1), 66–72. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.psychsport.2012.07.004

Williams, K. E., Ciarrochi, J., & Heaven, P. C. L. (2016). Self-Compassion Improves Emotion Regulation in Adolescents: A Longitudinal Study. Mindfulness, 7, 1–11. https://doi.org/10.1007/s12671-014-0399-1

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2019). Attachment, caregiving, and parenting. In Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change (2nd ed., pp. 511–541). The Guilford Press.

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