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Let’s Talk About Sex

Last week's episode of EZ Conversations featured Xanet Pailet and me discussing intimacy in relationships (Listen Here). Xanet shared her personal experience of being in a sexless marriage for many years, until she decided to leave the relationship. In our discussion, we explored why many couples struggle to talk about intimacy in their relationships, and what some common issues are that contribute to a loss in intimacy—such as pornography use, infidelity, or shame. We even discussed the pressure people put on themselves around sex in their relationships, which can become performative or even comparative when people become fixated on a specific frequency.

As I reflected on my conversation with Xanet and thought about the various challenges I see in my clinical work, what I have observed is that sex is a complex issue. Many people experience significant shame when it comes to discussing it. Some men I work with often get caught up in performance and put immense pressure on themselves, believing they must satisfy their partners in a particular way. Others isolate and struggle with compulsive porn use, which slowly distorts their understanding of true intimacy. In some relationships, partners become so emotionally disconnected that they turn to other forms of validation—sometimes leading to emotional or physical infidelity. At the root of it all is a communication breakdown. Couples stop talking about intimacy, their emotional needs, and what a meaningful connection looks like to them.

But this isn’t just a relationship issue—it’s a human one.

Why Sex Is So Difficult to Talk About: The Psychology Behind It

Research consistently shows that sexual communication is one of the strongest predictors of relationship satisfaction. A meta-analysis by Rehman, Rellini, & Fallis (2011) found that couples who openly discuss their sexual needs, desires, and concerns report higher levels of closeness, sexual satisfaction, and emotional security. Yet most people avoid these conversations because they fear judgment, rejection, or conflict.

Psychologically, sex sits at the intersection of vulnerability and identity. According to attachment theory, intimacy activates our deepest relational fears—fear of abandonment, fear of inadequacy, or fear of engulfment. For individuals with anxious attachment, sex often becomes a way to seek reassurance. For avoidant individuals, it can trigger a need for distance or disengagement.

Shame is another significant barrier. Research by Brené Brown highlights how shame thrives in secrecy and silence—precisely the conditions many couples unknowingly create around sex.

When you combine shame, fear of conflict, and the performance pressure many men internalize from cultural narratives, you get a perfect storm where nobody speaks up, needs go unmet, and resentment slowly builds.

The Role of Pornography and Comparison Culture

Pornography, for many people, becomes a hidden coping mechanism. But research in The Journal of Sex Research shows that heavy porn use can decrease relationship satisfaction when it replaces emotional intimacy or when individuals feel ashamed about their usage. It can also shape unrealistic expectations about bodies, frequency, spontaneity, and performance.

But porn is only one part of a much larger cultural story.

We live in a world where everything is compared—bodies, wealth, success, and relationships. Sex is no exception. People internalize scripts from media, influencers, peers, and even social media comments. “Am I having enough sex?” becomes a question that replaces “Is the intimacy in my relationship meaningful?”

That shift—from connection to comparison—is subtle, but it’s damaging.

Why Intimacy Requires Courage, Not Perfection

What I’ve learned—both as a therapist and in my own journey—is that intimacy isn’t about flawless performance. It’s about presence, self-awareness, communication, and emotional safety. Couples who create a space where both partners can express their needs without judgment tend to have better sexual and relational outcomes.

A study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that couples who prioritize emotional intimacy report more satisfying sexual relationships, even when sexual frequency is lower. This reinforces what many of us intuitively know: sex is not simply a physical act—it’s an emotional language.

And yet, we treat it like a test we either pass or fail.

So, How Do Couples Begin Rebuilding Intimacy?

Here are some research-backed steps that consistently help:

1. Talk About Intimacy Outside the Bedroom: Neuroscience research shows that when we’re anxious, we activate our sympathetic nervous system, making communication harder. Calm moments increase receptivity and reduce defensiveness.

2. Replace Assumptions With Curiosity: Questions like “What makes you feel close to me?” or “What does intimacy look like for you right now?” open the door for connection without pressure.

3. Embrace “Good Enough” Sex: Researchers like Dr. Peggy Kleinplatz highlight that great sex is not about performance—it’s about authenticity, communication, and attunement.

4. Address Shame Directly: Shame dissolves in the presence of compassion. When couples learn to speak openly about what they fear, desire, or struggle with, sexual connection deepens.

5. Prioritize Emotional Safety: Intimacy thrives in environments where people feel seen, heard, and valued. Without emotional safety, sexual safety becomes impossible.

A Final Reflection

Talking about sex is not easy—but avoiding it doesn’t make it disappear. The couples who grow are the ones who choose honesty over silence, curiosity over fear, and connection over comparison.

Working with clients and speaking to someone like Xanet reminds me that intimacy is not just something we do—it’s something we cultivate. And like anything meaningful in life, it requires courage, empathy, and a willingness to be vulnerable.

If you feel disconnected in your relationship, start with a conversation. It may be uncomfortable, but discomfort is often the doorway to deeper connection.

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