In a recent episode of EZ Conversations with Dr. John A. King, I had the opportunity of not only hearing his harrowing story of navigating sexual trauma at the young age of four, but also getting an inside view of how he manages his recovery. While the topic of our discussion was heavy, John maintained a light touch in how he manages his wellbeing, often using humour to keep us connected. What I appreciated about this conversation was, obviously, John’s resilience, but also the way he does not take himself too seriously. People like John make my job as a host much easier. When people have that level of humility, it can be contagious.

What stood out to me most in our conversation was John giving the audience permission to speak up. He made a crucial discernment between speaking up and speaking out, where speaking up is asking for help or even openly acknowledging that we are struggling. Speaking out, however, is not necessary. Not everyone has to go public, be visible, or sit behind a microphone and talk about their trauma. Given the world we live in—where the barrier to entry for sharing one’s story is almost nonexistent—the two can often get confused.

As I reflected on my conversation with John, I realized that sometimes we place pressure on ourselves to share our story, as if healing requires visibility. But it doesn’t. If we take John’s advice seriously and recognize the discernment between when to speak up versus when to speak out, we must also recognize the importance of having people in our lives who are safe to turn toward—people we can ask for help from or simply reach out to, rather than isolating ourselves.

A common misconception I see in my clinical work is that vulnerability requires full exposure. Many people feel compelled to openly share their stories, believing that withholding is dishonest. But not everyone deserves access to our most vulnerable parts—not because we need to hide them, but because not everyone is ready to receive them with compassion or care. Even well-intentioned people can respond through the lens of their own unresolved pain, insecurities, or rigid worldviews.

From a psychological perspective, research consistently shows that seeking help is associated with improved emotional regulation, reduced shame, and greater resilience. Studies on social support demonstrate that simply naming our struggles to a trusted person can lower physiological stress responses, reduce cortisol levels, and improve long-term mental health outcomes. Importantly, this benefit does not depend on disclosure to many people—only to the right people.

There is also strong evidence that suppressing distress or attempting to “handle everything alone” increases the risk of anxiety, depression, and burnout. Speaking up interrupts this cycle. It signals to the nervous system that we are no longer alone, that support exists, and that we do not have to carry everything internally. Over time, this builds a sense of internal safety—one of the foundations of psychological growth.

This brings me to one of the most common questions I hear from clients: “How do I know what to do?”
My response is often to point them back to something they already possess—their internal wisdom. Most of us know far more than we allow ourselves to trust. We silence that knowing through social conditioning, people-pleasing, fear of judgment, or the belief that others know better than we do.

Psychologically, what many people refer to as “gut instinct” is not mystical—it is the brain integrating past experience, emotional signals, and bodily sensations into rapid insight. When we repeatedly ignore these signals, they grow quieter. When we listen, they strengthen. Speaking up—especially in small, private ways—reinforces this feedback loop. Each time we honour our internal signal and act on it, even gently, we build our confidence.

Growth, then, is not about dramatic disclosure or public storytelling. It is about learning when to speak, whom to trust, and when silence is an act of wisdom rather than avoidance. When we give ourselves permission to speak up without pressure to speak out, we cultivate discernment, self-trust, and a deeper relationship with ourselves.

And perhaps most importantly, we learn that healing does not require an audience—only honesty, courage, and the right kind of support, at the right time.

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