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Taking Care of Unfinished Business

In last week's episode of EZ Conversations, I had the opportunity of hosting "Heather-Ann" Ferri, LLC (Listen Here). We discussed Heather's journey of healing her trauma and bringing an end to the chains of generational trauma handed down to her. We also explored how Heather utilized the creative arts to heal in various capacities. However, we both agreed that the work continues and it's never-ending. During the episode, we both had powerful realizations about our fathers, marking a pivotal moment for each of us. That is the power of healing and giving each other space.

As I reflected on the episode during the week, I continued to think about the unfinished business we inherit from our parents. If we choose to take on the responsibility, we can take care of their business. The same idea continues to resurface in my discussions with clients who struggle to make sense of their relationships with their parents. When we can accept our parents as they are, we no longer need to control their choices; we can refocus on ourselves and turn inward. By healing ourselves, we address the unfinished business our parents leave us with, and there is true meaning in taking on that responsibility. If we do not heal those parts of ourselves, we keep passing down the trauma. Therefore, in this week's edition of EZ Reflections, I would like to expand on the topic of healing intergenerational trauma.

The Inheritance We Don't See: What Is Intergenerational Trauma?

Intergenerational trauma, sometimes called transgenerational trauma, refers to psychological effects passed from one generation to the next. This may result from systemic oppression, war, migration, addiction, abuse, or chronic neglect. Even when a person hasn’t directly experienced the original trauma, its emotional residue can live on in family dynamics, beliefs, and behavioural patterns.

Yehuda et al. (2001) found that children of Holocaust survivors exhibited heightened stress responses, even though they were not directly traumatized. Similar findings have emerged in research on descendants of Indigenous communities, refugees, and those impacted by slavery or colonization (Mohatt et al., 2014; Sotero, 2006).

Unfinished Business: The Emotional Debts of Our Parents

In Gestalt therapy and family systems theory, the term "unfinished business" refers to unresolved emotional experiences that continue to exert influence. These could include repressed grief, unrealized dreams, shame, or unmet emotional needs. Often, children absorb these unresolved experiences unconsciously, adopting coping strategies or emotional burdens that don’t belong to them.

Psychologist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy, founder of contextual family therapy, referred to this phenomenon as “relational ethics,” emphasizing how loyalty to family can drive us to subconsciously “repay” the emotional debts of our parents. But we don’t repay them by continuing their suffering—we repay them by healing what they couldn’t.

The Cycle of Repetition and the Call to Heal

Many of us replay our parents' pain, often without realizing it. We sabotage relationships as they did, fear vulnerability as they did, or prioritize survival over joy, just like them. Freud referred to this as the “repetition compulsion.” Jung saw it as the unconscious shadow passed from one generation to the next.

But this cycle is not destiny.

Breaking it requires conscious confrontation, emotional integration, and courageous responsibility. When we begin to recognize that our parents’ shame, fear, or silence lives within us—and choose to face it instead of repress it—we begin to heal not just ourselves, but the family line.

Healing Through Meaning: Viktor Frankl’s Legacy

In his seminal work, Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl observed that people can endure immense suffering if they find meaning in it. This insight has been supported by modern research in existential positive psychology (Wong, 2012), which shows that meaning-making is a powerful buffer against trauma and existential despair.

Taking responsibility for emotional legacies is not about blaming our parents—it’s about finding purpose in our pain. When we tend to the emotional gardens our parents couldn’t cultivate, we transform generational wounds into soil for growth.

The Science of Breaking the Chain

Several key studies support the healing potential of addressing intergenerational trauma:

• Danieli (1998) found that Holocaust survivors' children experienced healing when they could speak their family’s truths and contextualize their suffering.

• Kellermann (2001) noted that therapy which includes intergenerational exploration—such as genograms or family constellations—helps individuals gain clarity, reduce anxiety, and increase agency.

• Narvaez et al. (2013) demonstrated that secure emotional caregiving in adulthood can reverse some of the emotional dysregulation patterns inherited from early childhood neglect or trauma.

Healing intergenerational trauma is thus not only possible, but also biologically, emotionally, and spiritually restorative.

Taking Responsibility Without Taking the Blame

There’s a critical nuance here: Responsibility is not the same as blame. We are not at fault for the traumas that shaped our parents. But we are responsible for what we do with their legacy.

Healing may look like:

• Going to therapy to confront inherited shame or attachment wounds.

• Writing letters (even unsent) to parents or ancestors, acknowledging their pain.

• Pursuing the dreams they abandoned and doing so with awareness that it's part of a greater lineage.

• Parenting differently, breaking cycles of emotional avoidance or abuse.

• Speaking the truths your family was too afraid to name.

From Wound to Wisdom: Creating Meaning from Legacy

When we take on our parents’ unfinished emotional business—not as a burden but as an invitation—we tap into a powerful form of post-traumatic growth (Tedeschi & Calhoun, 2004). We become the alchemists who turn generational pain into purpose.

This work can also help us redefine our sense of identity. We are no longer just survivors of inherited suffering. We are healers, cycle-breakers, and stewards of generational renewal.

As Gabor Maté (2022) puts it, “It is not enough to be compassionate. We must become trauma-informed.” When we understand the roots of our parents’ pain, we open up space for compassion and transformation—both for them and ourselves.

References

• Danieli, Y. (1998). International Handbook of Multigenerational Legacies of Trauma. Springer Science & Business Media.

• Frankl, V. E. (1985). Man’s Search for Meaning. Washington Square Press.

• Gabor Maté. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery.

• Kellermann, N. P. (2001). Transmission of Holocaust trauma—An integrative view. Psychiatry: Interpersonal and Biological Processes, 64(3), 256–267.

• Mohatt, N. V., Thompson, A. B., Thai, N. D., & Tebes, J. K. (2014). Historical trauma as public narrative: A conceptual review of how history impacts present-day health. Social Science & Medicine, 106, 128–136.

• Narvaez, D., Gleason, T. R., Wang, L., Brooks, J., Lefever, J. B., & Cheng, Y. (2013). The Evolved Developmental Niche: Longitudinal effects of caregiving practices on early childhood psychosocial development. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 28(4), 759–773.

• Sotero, M. (2006). A conceptual model of historical trauma: Implications for public health practice and research. Journal of Health Disparities Research and Practice, 1(1), 93–108.

• Tedeschi, R. G., & Calhoun, L. G. (2004). Posttraumatic growth: Conceptual foundations and empirical evidence. Psychological Inquiry, 15(1), 1–18.

• Wong, P. T. P. (2012). Toward a dual-systems model of what makes life worth living. In P. T. P. Wong (Ed.), The human quest for meaning (pp. 3–22). Routledge.

• Yehuda, R., Halligan, S. L., & Bierer, L. M. (2001). Relationship of parental trauma exposure and PTSD to PTSD, depressive and anxiety disorders in offspring. Journal of Psychiatric Research, 35(5), 261–270.
  

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