EZ Reflections
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The Issue with Modern Relationships

The Issue with Modern Relationships

Furkhan Dandia
May 13, 2025

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The Issue with Modern Relationships

In last week's episode of EZ Conversations, I had the opportunity to host Dr. Bruce Chalmer (Listen Here), and we discussed his three decades of work in couples therapy. We explored the impact of betrayal in relationships and how it can show up differently, including how couples can navigate mistrust. There are many forms of betrayal which can fall into grey areas, which is why it is essential for couples to constantly communicate and ensure both individuals are on the same page. Dr. Chalmer also expanded on how modern relationships suffer, especially with men struggling to court women in heterosexual relationships. Finally, we discussed how ideologies impact relationships and continue to divide people.

Reflecting on my conversation with Dr. Chalmer and my work in the couples space, I also realized that many people struggle with addressing issues in real time, which often leads to resentment. Timely communication is something we continue to emphasize in relationships to address misunderstandings. In my observation, based on our internal shame triggers, we tell ourselves a story and run with it without ever communicating to clarify. Through proactive communication and getting in front of problems, couples can navigate many problems before they arise. Additionally, by proactively talking through complex issues, couples can continuously improve their sharing of concerns, constantly making progress. So, in this week's edition of EZ Reflections, I wanted to talk more about relationship problems and how they can be addressed.

Betrayal activates the brain's threat-detection system. A functional MRI scan revealed that social betrayal activates the same neural regions associated with physical pain, such as the anterior cingulate cortex and the insula (Eisenberger, Lieberman, & Williams, 2003). This explains why betrayal can feel like a literal wound.

In attachment theory, betrayal is considered a severe breach of the secure base we rely on in relationships (Johnson, 2004). It often triggers anxious or avoidant attachment patterns, making open communication even more difficult—but also more necessary.

Why Proactive Communication Matters

Proactive communication involves deliberate, transparent, consistent efforts to express feelings, take accountability, and rebuild emotional safety. According to research by the Gottman Institute, one of the strongest predictors of relationship repair after betrayal is whether couples engage in “rituals of connection”—intentional conversations that foster emotional attunement and understanding (Gottman & Silver, 2015).

Moreover, a study published in The Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who actively communicated about the betrayal, rather than avoiding or minimizing it, had significantly higher chances of relational satisfaction and long-term recovery (Baucom, Snyder, & Gordon, 2004).

Key Communication Practices to Heal and be Proactive

Validate Emotional Responses: Research shows that emotional validation reduces distress and fosters deeper connection (Shallcross, Troy, Boland, & Mauss, 2010).
Set a Structure for Dialogue: Scheduled conversations with agreed-upon boundaries can prevent spiralling arguments and foster clarity (Jacobson & Christensen, 1996).
Rebuild with Transparency: Even when uncomfortable, ongoing honesty restores trust over time. According to a study by Finkel et al. (2014), couples who rebuilt trust through transparency experienced better emotional resilience post-betrayal.

The Role of Therapy

Couples therapy, especially Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), has been shown to help partners navigate betrayal. EFT focuses on creating secure emotional bonds through structured conversations and has a 70-75% success rate in restoring relationships (Johnson, 2004). Therapists guide couples to express underlying emotions, not just surface-level complaints, which is essential in betrayal recovery.

References

Baucom, D. H., Snyder, D. K., & Gordon, K. C. (2004). Helping Couples Get Past the Affair: A Clinician's Guide. Guilford Press.
Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt? An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302(5643), 290-292.
Finkel, E. J., Slotter, E. B., Luchies, L. B., Walton, G. M., & Gross, J. J. (2014). A brief intervention to promote conflict reappraisal preserves marital quality over time. Psychological Science, 24(8), 1595-1601.
Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.
Jacobson, N. S., & Christensen, A. (1996). Integrative Couple Therapy: Promoting Acceptance and Change. W. W. Norton & Company.
Johnson, S. M. (2004). The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy: Creating Connection. Routledge.
Shallcross, A. J., Troy, A. S., Boland, M., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Let it be: Accepting negative emotional experiences predicts decreased negative affect and depressive symptoms. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(11), 921–929.

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The Issue with Modern Relationships