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When Fathers Stumble

In last week's episode of EZ Conversations, I asked my good friend Kirk Coburn to join me on the show (Listen Here). This was Kirk's third time on the show as we explored something we have both navigated in our conversations. I am incredibly grateful to have a friend like Kirk, with whom I can share my adversity, and who is always there to listen and offer sage advice. An individual who sees the forest for the trees, so to speak. However, in the past few years, as we have explored the challenges of being fathers in an increasingly complex world, we have also discussed the vulnerability we have witnessed in our fathers. As we explored in the episode together, sometimes it becomes all too easy to judge our fathers for who they have become, especially growing up and watching them be our real-life superheroes. There is a hard truth that we must come to terms with when we have to accept the fragility of our fathers. Perhaps, there is fear that one day we may become like them.

As I continued to reflect on this story, I also recalled the biblical story of Noah. Noah, who had the wisdom to build an Ark and foresee the floods that were coming, was a hero to his people, for he took everyone on the ark and all the animals to help them survive. But then Noah, as most humans, was imperfect and was found drunk in his tent. Given the extreme shift in where Noah was and how he ended up, his son mocked him. Interestingly, we all have vulnerabilities when it comes to our fathers. However, to rise above it, we must have compassion and refrain from judgment, because one day we might also be there, if we are lucky. To extend this, how can we also extend similar compassion to others who are also falling short in their ways? Therefore, in this week's edition of EZ Reflections, I wanted to expand on when our fathers stumble and how we can hold compassion for them, while forgiving them for their shortcomings.

In media and culture, fathers are frequently depicted as bumbling, emotionally stunted, or irrelevant. From sitcoms to TikTok, the archetype of the "incompetent dad" has become a trope. While some of this serves as light-hearted humour, repeated exposure can skew societal perceptions.

The psychological consequences are not minor:

• Father absence — whether physical or emotional — is linked with increased risk of anxiety, depression, and behavioural problems in children (Lamb, 2010; Popenoe, 1996).

• When fathers are ridiculed or disrespected, particularly in front of their children, it disrupts healthy attachment, especially in sons who model their own identity after their father (Paquette, 2004).

• A 2021 study in Family Relations found that children who witness ongoing parental conflict or parental undermining experience lower self-esteem and increased risk of anxiety (Van Egeren & Hawkins, 2021).

This suggests that a culture that habitually mocks paternal failure contributes to familial instability, creating emotional fractures that extend into adulthood.

The Shame Trap: Mockery as a Coping Mechanism

Many adult children who harbour resentment toward their fathers — often justified by trauma or neglect — cope by ridiculing or emotionally distancing themselves. But unresolved anger usually masks a more profound longing: the desire to be seen, protected, and loved.

According to Brené Brown (2012), shame is highly correlated with depression, addiction, and disconnection. When we mock our fathers, particularly when they are at their lowest, we are often externalizing unhealed shame. This creates a cycle where no one is truly accountable or forgiven.

In this context, mockery becomes a defence, not a path to healing.

Breaking the Cycle: A Call to Compassionate Accountability

Just as Shem and Japheth walked backward to protect their father’s dignity, we too can choose a different response when the men in our lives falter — one rooted in truth, boundaries, and compassion, rather than ridicule.

This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behaviour.

Instead, it means choosing restoration over humiliation, especially for fathers who acknowledge their mistakes and seek to make amends. This approach is not only redemptive, but also therapeutic.

• Forgiveness is strongly linked to lower stress, improved cardiovascular health, and increased life satisfaction (Toussaint et al., 2015).

• Father-child reconciliation, even in adulthood, can significantly improve mental health outcomes for both parties (Schumm, 2005; Flouri, 2006).

Rewriting the Script

Reflecting on Father’s Day that passed, consider these questions:

• Can I acknowledge my father’s flaws while still honouring what he gave me?

• Can I hold him accountable with respect and clarity?

• Can I offer forgiveness — if not to him, then to myself — for the wound that hasn’t yet healed?

Even if your father was absent, abusive, or emotionally unavailable, your path to healing doesn’t require his perfection. It requires your wholeness. You can grieve and heal without shaming. You can break the cycle.

Conclusion: A Culture That Lifts, Not Shames

We must cultivate a culture where men — especially fathers — are allowed to be human, flawed, and still deserving of redemption. The cost of mockery is too high: fractured families, disconnected children, and an epidemic of emotionally isolated men.

Let’s become a generation that walks backward when needed, to preserve dignity, protect our legacy, and model compassion for the next generation.

May we honour not just our fathers, but also our shared need for mercy.

References

• Brown, B. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. Gotham Books.

• Flouri, E. (2006). Parental interest in children’s education, children’s self‐esteem and locus of control, and later educational attainment: Twenty-six year follow-up of the 1970 British Birth Cohort. British Journal of Educational Psychology, 76(1), 41–55.

• Lamb, M. E. (2010). The Role of the Father in Child Development (5th ed.). Wiley.

• Paquette, D. (2004). Theorizing the Father-Child Relationship: Mechanisms and Developmental Outcomes. Human Development, 47(4), 193–219.

• Popenoe, D. (1996). Life Without Father. Harvard University Press.

• Schumm, W. R. (2005). Fathering and child outcomes. In Tamis-LeMonda, C. S. & Cabrera, N. (Eds.), Handbook of Father Involvement: Multidisciplinary Perspectives. Routledge.

• Toussaint, L., Owen, A. D., & Cheadle, A. (2015). Forgive to live: Forgiveness, health, and longevity. Journal of Behavioral Medicine, 38(6), 997–1008.

• Van Egeren, L. A., & Hawkins, D. P. (2021). Parental undermining, conflict, and child adjustment: A multilevel model. Family Relations, 70(4), 1067–1082.
  

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